depression · Uncategorized

PTSD ish

I guess what I have doesn’t really qualify as ptsd, since the flashbacks and nightmares I get are related to times when I was specially suicidal, alone and without help, rather than a separate life event. 

Being left in that state, self harming and incredibly distressed, for hours, wishing someone, just anyone would come, has left scars both inside and out. 

I’m not saying it’s equivalent to experiences people with real ptsd have, but feeling so isolated and believing that it’s what I deserve because I’m worthless and have no right to help, has left me with similar symptoms. It’s not really something I am even ready to describe.

Especially at night, I often feel as though it’s happening now. Suddenly, everything seems overwhelming and I feel scared and incredibly vulnerable. I wrote a poem about it which you can find it Here.  It doesn’t really cover it though. 

Do you get flashbacks to periods of your illness when you felt especially isolated and helpless?


Poem: flashbacks 

I haven’t posted any of my poetry on this blog so far… I guess because it’s very personal. Here is one that I wrote today. 

Warning: This may be triggering if you have ptsd 

At night they creep out 

Dark thoughts in my head

Dripping like tar from my fingers, emerging from under the bed…

I start.

Hooded figures of past nightmares

walking down the chapel isle, their arms outreaced.

Silent screams, lost time

Waiting, waiting for someone to see;

The organ moaning, the wind groaning,
Abide with me.


Sleeping habits when mentally ill

I have often found lately that I am desperate to go to bed way too early, but that my body then starts up again, around 8:30pm or so. I start feeling incredibly anxious, plannng huge projects only to be overwhelmed by them. I also sometimes go into a state of really deep depression because I feel like I’ve achieved nothing all day, regardless of what I have actually done. 

I tend to try to go to bed at a sensible time, so as not to ruin my sleeping patterns entirely. With a racing heart and hyperventilation it can be really difficult to drop off though.

At 5pm it feels as though you have weights attached to your body or are living in a dream. Then, when it’s bedtime, you can’t sleep, start feeling guilty at ‘not having done enough’, and want to do lots of stuff. 

Has anyone else experienced this?


Please stop judging depressed people on how they appear to you

This kind of leads on from yesterday’s post ‘When others can’t see what’s wrong’. I often find that others jump to the conclusion that I have now recovered because I have put on make up for them. They forget that I did the same last time they saw me.

When we are depressed, we don’t want to burden others with it. We want to make an effort to thank them for inviting us round or bothering to call on us. In my case, I may not have worn make up all week, but the day you see me I will. Or sometimes I put it on in order to try to feel in control. My depression hasn’t got better. I haven’t recovered from anorexia. I get very anxious about any social contact. But I dress in a way that hides body shape without wearing a huge jumper, I don’t dress all in black and I brush my hair. The outside does not reflect the inside.

I wish people would let go of the stereotype of the goth with the black make up under the eyes. People can be depressed whatever they wear. They don’t have to dress in a way that makes their weight obvious. You can smile even when you’re anxious.

Stop judging how someone is by how they choose to present themselves and start listening to what they say. I could wear all black to suit my mood, but who would that help? I’d only be criticised for not making the best of things.

                            1                                      2                                       3

1. What you see, 2. what you would see if  you understood,  3. what I feel.

   Has anyone else experienced this? As ever, I would be very grateful for your thoughts!


Anxiety · depression · eating disorders

Guest Post on Mental Illness|| Living with Anorexia, Depression and Anxiety as a Young Person

My guest post on camilleareaeds. Take a look if you like 😊

When a Brown Girl Reads

When we talk about mental illness, there’s already a picture in our head of what we think it looks like. We always see the after picture of it, when really we should try to understand how it begins. To be able to know how it starts gives us a chance to point out patterns that can help when it comes to therapy or simple self care.
Today’s contribution for my Mental Health Mini series comes from Luthienthegreen. They’re sharing their story with us about the effects of Depression and Anxiety; how it affects their life and how their life, in turn, affects their mental illness.
Set of dividers in nature design. Vector illustration.
I first started experiencing serious anxiety problems in the year of my GCSEs. I was performing well, and more and more people were expecting results from me. I played the piano and had to give performances. All this was fine until everything started to…

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When others can’t see what’s wrong 

Often when you see people you know, but haven’t seen for a while, they can’t understand that you’re ill or still ill.

 I usually explain that I am taking some time out because I can’t manage education or a job at the moment, but that I’m working towards that hopefully at some point in the future. 

They look at me in a puzzled way. Some don’t say ‘but you look fine’ and stay silent. Others ask ‘But what is it about X that you can’t manage?’ 

The truth is it’s not one thing. It’s the meals involved and the fact that I’m so exhausted all the time and that I blank out unpredictably and am barely reachable. The fact that I get attacks of wanting to harm myself badly or might start crying and have a meltdown about something totally unrelated; or an extreme panic attack. I cannot, (yet perhaps), be predictable. But they often don’t have time to listen to this long explanation. 

Maybe they assume I am just shirking work or don’t have the initiative to get started. Maybe that’s what they think about mentally ill people in general, though they would never put it that way. Or maybe they just don’t understand. 

We need to talk about the reality of mental illness, but these descriptions are something many people can’t cope with hearing.

Have you ever been totally honest about the details of your illness with someone outside your immediate circle? How did they react? 


Sunshine Blogger award 

 I’ve been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger award. Thank you very much to Michael Parkes for the nomination. Check out his blog, It’s

Here are the rules:
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to them.
2) Answer the eleven questions asked.
3) Nominate 11 other bloggers and create a different 11 questions for them to answer.
4) List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger logo in your post somewhere.

Here are my answers:

How old are you? 

I’m 18 

What’s your middle name?

I don’t have one because my parents forgot but it was supposed to be Catherine after my Granny.

Do you think men should cry?

I think they have every right to cry if they’re upset; it’s a sign of humanity, not weakness.

Where do you stand on Donald Trump? 

A disaster, in my opinion

Favourite film?

The BBC version of Pride and Prejudice

Favourite book?

That’s a difficult one. I have always loved both the complete works of C.S. Lewis and The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien.

What would you say to God if you ever saw him?

I know I’ve been pretty rubbish, but I love you and I mess even that up!

Does nostril hair bother you?

Don’t know yet!

Have you ever commited a crime?


If yes to above question then give me the gory details?

There aren’t any, but if there were, would I? 

Virginity? When did you lose it? Have you lost it? Are you a 40 year old virgin?

I’m 18, so not the last. 😂

Here is a list of the people I am nominating. If you feel it’s too much to do the things for this award, I understand and won’t be offended (I know it’s quite a bit of work!). Also, apologies if I have overlooked someone!


Sue Walz 






it’s a thought


Psychic Eevee

Here are my 11 questions:

1. What is your favourite animal?

2. What was your dream job as a child?

3.Do you speak a language other than English?

4.What is your favourite colour?

5.Where would you like to live in the world if not in your home country?

6. Your favourite historical era?

7. What book or film character do you most identify with?

8. Do you have any pets?

9. Do you believe in God?

10. What place would you like to go to that you’ve never been to?

11. What do you find most comforting when you are down?