depression

Poem: flashbacks 

luthienthegreen7 Comments

I haven’t posted any of my poetry on this blog so far… I guess because it’s very personal. Here is one that I wrote today. 

Warning: This may be triggering if you have ptsd 

At night they creep out 

Dark thoughts in my head

Dripping like tar from my fingers, emerging from under the bed…

I start.

Hooded figures of past nightmares

walking down the chapel isle, their arms outreaced.

Silent screams, lost time

Waiting, waiting for someone to see;

The organ moaning, the wind groaning,
Abide with me.

Sleeping habits when mentally ill
Anxiety

Sleeping habits when mentally ill

luthienthegreen16 Comments

I have often found lately that I am desperate to go to bed way too early, but that my body then starts up again, around 8:30pm or so. I start feeling incredibly anxious, plannng huge projects only to be overwhelmed by them. I also sometimes go into a state of really deep depression because I feel like I’ve achieved nothing all day, regardless of what I have actually done. 

I tend to try to go to bed at a sensible time, so as not to ruin my sleeping patterns entirely. With a racing heart and hyperventilation it can be really difficult to drop off though.

At 5pm it feels as though you have weights attached to your body or are living in a dream. Then, when it’s bedtime, you can’t sleep, start feeling guilty at ‘not having done enough’, and want to do lots of stuff. 

Has anyone else experienced this?

Please stop judging depressed people on how they appear to you
depression

Please stop judging depressed people on how they appear to you

luthienthegreen51 Comments

This kind of leads on from yesterday’s post ‘When others can’t see what’s wrong’. I often find that others jump to the conclusion that I have now recovered because I have put on make up for them. They forget that I did the same last time they saw me.

When we are depressed, we don’t want to burden others with it. We want to make an effort to thank them for inviting us round or bothering to call on us. In my case, I may not have worn make up all week, but the day you see me I will. Or sometimes I put it on in order to try to feel in control. My depression hasn’t got better. I haven’t recovered from anorexia. I get very anxious about any social contact. But I dress in a way that hides body shape without wearing a huge jumper, I don’t dress all in black and I brush my hair. The outside does not reflect the inside.

I wish people would let go of the stereotype of the goth with the black make up under the eyes. People can be depressed whatever they wear. They don’t have to dress in a way that makes their weight obvious. You can smile even when you’re anxious.

Stop judging how someone is by how they choose to present themselves and start listening to what they say. I could wear all black to suit my mood, but who would that help? I’d only be criticised for not making the best of things.

                            1                                      2                                       3

1. What you see, 2. what you would see if  you understood,  3. what I feel.

   Has anyone else experienced this? As ever, I would be very grateful for your thoughts!

 

Guest Post on Mental Illness|| Living with Anorexia, Depression and Anxiety as a Young Person
Anxiety · depression · eating disorders

Guest Post on Mental Illness|| Living with Anorexia, Depression and Anxiety as a Young Person

luthienthegreen1 Comment

My guest post on camilleareaeds. Take a look if you like 😊

Camillea Reads

When we talk about mental illness, there’s already a picture in our head of what we think it looks like. We always see the after picture of it, when really we should try to understand how it begins. To be able to know how it starts gives us a chance to point out patterns that can help when it comes to therapy or simple self care.
Today’s contribution for my Mental Health Mini series comes from Luthienthegreen. They’re sharing their story with us about the effects of Depression and Anxiety; how it affects their life and how their life, in turn, affects their mental illness.
Set of dividers in nature design. Vector illustration.
image3
I first started experiencing serious anxiety problems in the year of my GCSEs. I was performing well, and more and more people were expecting results from me. I played the piano and had to give performances. All this was fine until everything started to…

View original post 530 more words

When others can’t see what’s wrong 
depression

When others can’t see what’s wrong 

luthienthegreen16 Comments

Often when you see people you know, but haven’t seen for a while, they can’t understand that you’re ill or still ill.

 I usually explain that I am taking some time out because I can’t manage education or a job at the moment, but that I’m working towards that hopefully at some point in the future. 

They look at me in a puzzled way. Some don’t say ‘but you look fine’ and stay silent. Others ask ‘But what is it about X that you can’t manage?’ 

The truth is it’s not one thing. It’s the meals involved and the fact that I’m so exhausted all the time and that I blank out unpredictably and am barely reachable. The fact that I get attacks of wanting to harm myself badly or might start crying and have a meltdown about something totally unrelated; or an extreme panic attack. I cannot, (yet perhaps), be predictable. But they often don’t have time to listen to this long explanation. 

Maybe they assume I am just shirking work or don’t have the initiative to get started. Maybe that’s what they think about mentally ill people in general, though they would never put it that way. Or maybe they just don’t understand. 

We need to talk about the reality of mental illness, but these descriptions are something many people can’t cope with hearing.

Have you ever been totally honest about the details of your illness with someone outside your immediate circle? How did they react? 

Sunshine Blogger award 
Uncategorized

Sunshine Blogger award 

luthienthegreen12 Comments

 I’ve been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger award. Thank you very much to Michael Parkes for the nomination. Check out his blog, It’s dadwithdepressionblog.wordpress.com

Here are the rules:
1) Thank the blogger who nominated you and link to them.
2) Answer the eleven questions asked.
3) Nominate 11 other bloggers and create a different 11 questions for them to answer.
4) List the rules and include the Sunshine Blogger logo in your post somewhere.

Here are my answers:

How old are you? 

I’m 18 

What’s your middle name?

I don’t have one because my parents forgot but it was supposed to be Catherine after my Granny.

Do you think men should cry?

I think they have every right to cry if they’re upset; it’s a sign of humanity, not weakness.

Where do you stand on Donald Trump? 

A disaster, in my opinion

Favourite film?

The BBC version of Pride and Prejudice

Favourite book?

That’s a difficult one. I have always loved both the complete works of C.S. Lewis and The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien.

What would you say to God if you ever saw him?

I know I’ve been pretty rubbish, but I love you and I mess even that up!

Does nostril hair bother you?

Don’t know yet!

Have you ever commited a crime?

No.

If yes to above question then give me the gory details?

There aren’t any, but if there were, would I? 

Virginity? When did you lose it? Have you lost it? Are you a 40 year old virgin?

I’m 18, so not the last. 😂

Here is a list of the people I am nominating. If you feel it’s too much to do the things for this award, I understand and won’t be offended (I know it’s quite a bit of work!). Also, apologies if I have overlooked someone!

Tessa

Sue Walz 

leigha66

shootingforthemoons

Unhingedandunenlightend

meptsdandallthefuckedupshitinbetween

goodmansgoodwords.wordpress.com

Journeyofsabr

it’s a thought

anadancer

Psychic Eevee




Here are my 11 questions:

1. What is your favourite animal?

2. What was your dream job as a child?

3.Do you speak a language other than English?

4.What is your favourite colour?

5.Where would you like to live in the world if not in your home country?

6. Your favourite historical era?

7. What book or film character do you most identify with?

8. Do you have any pets?

9. Do you believe in God?

10. What place would you like to go to that you’ve never been to?

11. What do you find most comforting when you are down? 


Going shopping and anxiety
Anxiety · Uncategorized

Going shopping and anxiety

luthienthegreen20 Comments

Shopping is easy, right? What’s scary about that? No one watches you, it’s not a performance, if you forget something it’s not the end of the world…


Who would have thought that such a trivial thing could be so overwhelming.

It’s amazing how many things can be complicated by mental illness. When I go to a shop I feel totally overwhelmed by the range of products, labels, types of things on offer, and because of my eating disorder, calories. It can be really difficult just to focus on what you need to buy. I often sort of freeze or want to get out because there is so much stuff everywhere.

Has anyone else felt like this in shops? 

Not a choice
depression

Not a choice

luthienthegreen32 Comments

I once said to a mental health professional ‘mental illness is not a choice’. The response was ‘no, mental illness is not, but recovery is.’

 This sounds very positive, but I was very upset at the time. Who actually enjoys starving themselves? Who wants a panic attack several times a day? Anyone want to buy my depression? No. Funny. I believe that recovery is not a choice. I think we can mostly work on it and towards it, but sometimes we are not able even to do that. Is that by choice?

I have chosen that I want to live without mental illness, but guess what? It’s still there.

 Most of us choose to try to make the best of our condition, but that doesn’t mean it always goes away. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

 I also feel that such a sweeping statement as ‘recovery is a choice’ is quite offensive to everyone living with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or lifelong chronic depression. So they chose it, did they? I think not. 

What are your thoughts on this and have people told you to choose to recover?

7 things that can help day to day life with depression 
Uncategorized

7 things that can help day to day life with depression 

luthienthegreenLeave a comment

From my other (new) blog which is going to be more for day to day things. Take a look if you like! 😊

Life with lace up boots

Here are some things I have found useful in coping with depression. I’m not saying they make it go away, but they can make bad days that tiny bit more bearable, and the more manageable ones almost ok(ish). I hope they help someone and let me know if you have any of your own!

1. Bullet journaling

It can be hard to start this, but it is really fulfilling when you get into it! The main thing (and the hardest to accept) – it doesn’t have to be perfect! If you can’t accept that, Tipex and pencil first are the things that have made it possible for me (obviously it’s still not perfect, but I can accept it).


2. Pets and animals
This was a difficult one for me as I love cats but am allergic to them. Also, if you struggle with anxiety, a pet that might get ill…

View original post 398 more words

Pressure to conform and mental illness 
Anxiety · Bullying · depression

Pressure to conform and mental illness 

luthienthegreen25 Comments


I think that the pressure to be like everyone else contributes to a lot of people’s anxiety and depression. Even if you have been exemplary at conforming until you get ill, (which I never was), you are then faced with the fact that you are no longer ‘mainstream’ due to your experiences and being unwell. You suddenly see the world totally differently; you don’t share the perspective of many of your peers. 

People don’t like those who stand out, as a general rule. I think it’s a shame because they are often the most interesting people and make the best friends. Mental illness has shown me that we can’t really live a totally fulfilling life if we are constantly worrying about doing the same as everyone else. Because if we’re different, we’re different. It will show in the end, so its best just to be yourself from the start even if it’s not what people want. 

It’s really difficult to stand out in any way though, because you lay yourself open to criticism. Of course there are some things in which it’s important and right to conform. Certain behavioural codes are needed for society to work, and I guess it’s for us as individuals to decide where we draw the line. Should we speak in a way not to offend others? Generally yes, I think. But should we dress to please them? I’d say no. It all depends on the situation. 

When you’re mentally ill you can’t do everything people want or expect you to. You maybe can’t  manage it or know it would upset you. This already makes you different from the crowd in some way.

Do you conform with social expectations all the time? Has an experience with mental illness changed this? I’d be glad to know your thoughts!

Also, does anyone self host their blog or use a paid WordPress plan. I’ve started noticing WordPress ads on my website but don’t know if it’s worth paying to remove them.